I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
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[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Forever 21… pounds overweight
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?