Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
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My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?