Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
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While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
This rocks
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
socratic questions
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.