modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
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[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
iPhone X
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Please do it!
went fishing caught a bass
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.