I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
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My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.