What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
You Might Also Like
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
San Francisco has too many rules
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.