[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
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I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.