[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
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{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
WHY?!
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.