It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
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Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?