Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
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it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.