You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
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Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Stop it! 😂
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Knock Knock
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?