If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.