DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
You Might Also Like
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.