Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
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Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I think about this a lot