[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
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“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Lassie, get help!
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
When someone says you are so lazy
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Why is it spelled camouflage and not