It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
You Might Also Like
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”