It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
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Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.