Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
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Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.