Discuss
You Might Also Like
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Always…
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.