i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
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Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
If I ignore life will it go away?
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.