*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
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20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Meat Cute
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.