*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
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When I laugh on my period
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Ugh but profoundly
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…