ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
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A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me trying to “trust the process”
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
adding to the discourse
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree