I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
You Might Also Like
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Care for your back
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
My god she’s good.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?