If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
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Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
asking santa clause for nudes
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Had an epiphany today.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I drew y’all a little something.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.