what my late-night hot pocket sees
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I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends