found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
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Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
pictures of spider-man
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
handsome & gretel
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?