Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
You Might Also Like
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over