You Might Also Like
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”