I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
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Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Cat.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is