[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
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Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.