thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
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How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please