Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
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[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one