wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
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My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
No, I don’t think I will.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
selfie game
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.