He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
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black phone good
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
selfie game
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
guilty
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
dude it’s called proctologist
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.