Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
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Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Am getting real tired of your crap…
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”