i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
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Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”