[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
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[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Animal poetry
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
there has never been a better use of this meme
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*