My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
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My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Velcrow
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys