me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
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wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Vodka burrito was a success
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana