I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
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I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.