2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.