At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
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they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
channeling her this year
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”