watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”