Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
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Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
This is Sparta
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES