Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
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What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
i was baptized in a car wash
Netflix: We have Less
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*