It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
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Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I need to update my racial profile.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.