If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
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8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home