Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
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I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*