We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
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This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs